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Happiness after Death and Loss

Emotions can be complicated, and our feelings are not simple or easily labeled when someone we love dies. There is sadness, there is grief. There may also be anger or confusion. Fatigue is common, and also often feelings of guilt. Sometimes people feel nothing at all. Those who are left behind might even  wonder if they will ever feel happy again. 

Some people find that it is easier to cope with a loss by burying all of their emotions. It seems to be a way to stop the pain. Happiness is avoided because if that emotion, ANY emotion, is felt then the door is open to the other emotions that are less pleasant. Unfortunately this also prevents any healing from happening. Ignoring feelings of sadness doesn’t make it go away, and it can actually intensify those feelings when they finally come rushing to the surface. That’s not to say that it is wrong to feel numb. There is no WRONG way to grieve. But it can be detrimental to stay numb for an extend period of time. Eventually we have to allow ourselves to feel again. That includes giving ourselves permission be happy.

Why would we need to do that? Maybe we feel we don’t deserve it. maybe we feel guilt over some circumstance of our loved one’s death and think we should give penance somehow. Maybe moments of happiness hurt too much because they cause us to miss that person too much. The sounds of laughter sting our ears because that one person can’t be there to share it with us.

Or maybe we feel guilty about feeling happiness because it might mean to others, or even ourselves, that we have moved on. Aren’t we supposed to feel sad? We don’t want anyone to question, even for a moment, how much our departed loved one meant to us. We might not be ready to “move on”. Real life might feel too difficult.

There can be any number of reasons why happiness is hard after a loss. Inevitably, however, we can and we will be happy again. It might be hard to believe, but it’s true. It might come after a long wait, and it might only be sporadic at first, but there will be moments where the sun peeks through the clouds and our hearts begin to feel warm again.

How can we help ourselves be ready to embrace happiness again?

First of all we must forgive. Forgive our loved one for leaving us, forgive ourselves for whatever guilt we may feel. Then we can also give ourselves permission to feel happy.

Once forgiveness has occurred we can focus on the love we shared instead. 
Remembering our happy memories of someone who has died can help us smile and feel closer to them. Telling the stories to others can help, too.

Self-care is also a good way to find happiness. Exercise, spending time with friends, rest, or even a new activity can help rejuvenate the body and the soul. 

You deserve to live again, hard as that may be at first. Embrace the love around you, seek out and celebrate the light. Find ways to help make the world a better place. If you do these things happiness can’t help but find you. Then when you have those moments of joy let them fill you and strengthen you to help get through the moments that are less than joyful, because they will still come. Being happy doesn’t mean that we will never be sad again, it just means that even when things are difficult we know that it will get better. We know that we can get through. We know that the sun will peek through the clouds again. We know the light will shine. 

Jennifer Roberts Bittner
Funeral Celebrant/ Life Tribute Specialist

Morrissett Funeral and Cremation Service
6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234
Serving the Richmond area since 1870

Ghosts of Christmas Past

The holidays have passed, a new year has begun and yet I still find myself haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past. Every year as I get older I become increasingly aware of the passing of time and notice how things have changed, but for some reason this year was especially difficult.

I have experienced this feeling before. Grief. Emptiness. Longing for someone or something that wasn’t there. Wondering where the magic was hiding in the midst of all the supposed “sparkle” of the season. The first time was when I was about 5 years old and my parents had just separated. I remember looking around at all the presents, being surrounded by most of my loved ones, and yet feeling nothing. My father was not with us, and even though I wasn’t consciously aware of it I was missing him. I even asked my mother why I wasn’t happy, unable to understand that what I was partially missing was the way my family, and Christmas, used to be. At a very young age I was already experiencing grief.

My children experienced those pangs in a way after they learned that Santa Claus was a myth. Each of them seemed a bit forlorn during their first Christmas without the wonder of believing. They even mentioned that things felt different. To them it was as if they had lost a friend, or someone they loved had died. Not only that, change can be difficult for children and growing up is not always fun. So I tried my best to help them focus on what we did have rather than what was different. We found new ways to celebrate and find joy. Being surrounded by family that loves you and hearing their laughter can be magical, too. It doesn’t have to fly in on a sleigh pulled by reindeer. We are people of faith, so we focused even more on the true meaning of the season.

Change has come for me as well. Many family and friends who were once a central part of my life are central no longer. I grieve for the close relationships I once had with those who have moved far away. I still feel the pangs of hurt over some people who have made a deliberate decision to exclude me from their life. Most of all I desperately miss the loved ones who have passed away. Most years I have coped pretty well and found a balance between allowing myself space to grieve while also being happy. This year, however, the sad feelings caught me by surprise.

It happened while I was busy wrapping gifts and had placed an ornament in a small bag without checking the tag. My husband eventually brought the bag back to me, chuckling, and asked me if I had seen what it said: “To Mimi, Love Mark, Jenny, & Zachary.” He seemed to think the tag was cute, so he was shocked when I burst into tears. Loud, gulping sobs came out of my mouth in between ragged breaths. It was several minutes before I could even speak. I finally responded simply, “We need a different bag.” Then I cried some more, cradling the precious, shiny little gift bag.

That bag had been used during the last Christmas before everything changed for my extended family. I had bought a gift for my grandmother and she had opened it at my house and apparently left the empty bag. I was a new mother that year and yet somehow we had held a huge family gathering at my home. We were surrounded by love and laughter and it was wonderful, despite the fact that it was the first Christmas since my grandfather had died. Somehow that loss brought us closer together, and we clung more tightly to each other that year in the wake of the loss of our patriarch. Not long after that my grandmother died and events occurred that changed many of our relationships. I was left to grieve for not only my grandmother who had passed away, but also for family whom I now had to love from a distance.Family can be complicated sometimes, as can grief.
That grief can become even more difficult to bear when you lose the support of people who used to be an important part of your life.

In the years since, as I continue to age and my circumstances change, I often find myself longing for how things used to be. I also continue to miss those people who, for one reason or another, are gone. I would give anything for one more extended-family Christmas in my grandparents’ den, sitting by their tinsel-adorned tree and listening to “The Little Drummer Boy” on the record player. I never felt safer than when I was in that room. I want to talk to my grandmother and grandfather again, hear their voices tell the stories from when they were young, feel the warmth of their hugs. I want them to know my children.  Some years I find myself alone on the couch in the dark, save for the lights of our Christmas tree, and I cry just as bitterly as I did the year they died. Over ten years have passed and sometimes it doesn’t feel like it has gotten any easier. In many ways it feels like it has become more difficult. I miss it all so much that at times it feels like a physical pain. The feelings can be triggered without warning and by unexpected things, and the little gift bag was proof of that.

I have discovered that when those feelings come it is best not to fight it. I let the feelings and the tears flow, and it provides a bit of a release.  The tricky part is that I don’t dwell too long on the regret. If I spend too much time thinking about what I miss and who is gone I might be blinded from looking at the blessings right in front of me. I have a house full of people I love who love me back, and I still have a close extended family. At Christmas we take time to honor those we have lost and share stories, and we hold them close in our hearts.

Things change. Just because our lives aren’t the same as they used to be doesn’t mean they aren’t good, they’re just different. And yes, sometimes it can be really hard and incredibly sad. So sometimes I try instead to focus on gratitude and reach out to those I care about. That’s when I start to realize that I am truly blessed indeed and have many reasons to celebrate. That the ghosts of Christmas past and the people I have lost don’t have to haunt me. Instead they can be happy memories to decorate the halls of my heart and keep me in joyful company for years to come.

God bless us, everyone. 

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Jennifer Roberts Bittner
Certified Celebrant/ Life Tribute Specialist for 

Morrissett Funeral and Cremation Service,                                            Serving families in the greater Richmond area since 1870

6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234
(804) 275-7828

Death, Anger, and Forgiveness

Life is complicated. Death is complicated. Living after the death of someone you love is incredibly complicated. Even if there was time to “prepare,” a person can still find themselves overwhelmed and confused by all the complex emotions they experience. Quite often, however, death itself comes as a surprise. When that happens your grief may be compounded by the fact that you had unfinished business with the person who has passed. The people that we love are the people that have the power to hurt us the most. You may even find yourself actually angry with them for what they did or did not do, and never had a chance for resolution. It can be a very strange tension to simultaneously feel such strong grief and also unresolved anger.

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A longtime friend with whom you had a falling out because they hurt you deeply. A sibling that you loved but also fought with constantly. A family member that was so toxic that you had to protect yourself from them and limit contact. A parent that was never the parent you wanted or needed them to be. Someone who wronged you repeatedly but never told you, “I’m sorry.” With each of these situations there comes an additional layer of emotion that complicates our grief process. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t your fault. People are human and flawed and sometimes hurt us

So what do we do when we lose someone in such a situation? How do we manage our conflicting emotions? The answer is not an easy one, but the first step is that you indeed try and work through them. Ignoring and burying negative feelings does not make them go away, but can actually intensify them. Feelings will come out one way or another, and recovery becomes more complicated by delaying the process.

One of the ways that you can cope with your feelings is to talk about them. It is okay to acknowledge that you are angry. Being angry at someone who has died does not make you a bad person. However it is also important to be cautious with the way you discuss those emotions, and with whom. Be sensitive to the fact that others may also be grieving, and may be experiencing different emotions than you are. When the loss is new they may not be in a place to understand your anger and hurt. Instead it may help in such a situation to talk to someone outside the situation. Writing a letter to them to vent your feelings and process your thoughts can also help. .

To find closure you may need to go to the memorial service or burial. Conversely, you may need to skip the proceedings and observe in your own way. If you do attend then that is likely not the appropriate time to talk about your conflict with the deceased. Doing so could upset those in attendance and takes the focus away from the task at hand. A eulogy is also not the appropriate place to discuss grievances and air dirty laundry, but instead should be a comfort. You don’t have to lie, but there are diplomatic ways of stating truths or skirting sensitive issues.

As we continue through the grieving process be patient with yourself. It takes time to work through complicated feelings. There is also no one way to feel. You may find you are not sad. You may find you are sad for what you never had. Whatever emotion you experience is valid.

The most important thing to do when we experience conflict and loss is practice forgiveness. You may think they don’t deserve it, but the forgiveness isn’t actually for them. It’s for you, to help release the weight that you carry. Bitterness and resentment can weigh us down, and binds us to that which we hate. We are the ones that are harmed by not releasing anger, not them. Letting go of those feelings frees us to experience healing. Of course this can also take time, and a lot of practice.

Once we acknowledge and release our hurt and anger it can help to focus on the positive, if there was any. Sometimes regret can obscure our vision of our blessings. Thinking about the good times can help you receive some comfort. Also, look at all the love you still have around you and soak it in.

None of these suggestions are easy, and they all take time and effort. What matters is that your are intentional about working through your feelings. If you do that I hope that one day you find that you have begun, at least a little bit, to heal.

Let us forgive each other – only then will we live in peace.” ~Leo Tolstoy

 

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Jennifer Roberts Bittner
Certified Celebrant/ Life Tribute Specialist

Morrissett Funeral and Cremation Service
6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234
(804) 275-7828

The Death of a Parent

When we are children our parents care for us. Eventually many people find themselves in a position of caring for ailing parents and eventually losing them. Several individuals have shared their thoughts and feelings following such an experience.

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It is a bittersweet thing to find to care for an ailing parent after an entire lifetime of being cared for by them. “It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Seeing my mom lose the love of her life was (also) very hard.”

An individual may find themselves feeling like they are a child again, yet faced with some very complicated tasks. Others find that they feel like an adult for the first time. One wrote that, years later, “I still find myself a grieving my father in a way that I never expected. It comes at me unexpectedly sometimes inconveniently and must always be addressed even if I don’t want to. Another thing that I have realized since my father passed is that I never felt old until he died. Now it seems as though my own mortality weighs on me in a way it never did before.”

An older teen shared what it was like to lose her father, as well as her concern for her mother and younger siblings. She said that the hardest part was, “…watching your other parent hurt and not being able to help them. Also not being able to explain to younger siblings who don’t understand that they aren’t coming back. People also end up stop asking how you’re doing about two months after and then you have to deal with the feelings by yourself because you don’t want your feelings to be a burden and make someone else sad.”

Some also felt that they were not given the opportunity to grieve. This could be because of complicated family dynamics, or because they had to be strong for others. Sometimes the logistics and planning necessary was so overwhelming that it kept them from being able to stop and feel any emotions or process their thoughts.

More than one person shared that they were overwhelmed by the helplessness, frustration, sadness, and even anger they felt at watching their parents struggle with illness. They questioned choices made by doctors and caregivers. Following the death of their parent many struggled with guilt and wondered if more could have been done.

Facing the reality of the loss and even future holidays can also be hard. As one person wrote, “The hardest for me has been that I won’t ever hear my dad’s voice, knowing I won’t buy another Father’s Day, birthday or Christmas gift.”

Death is difficult to face whether it occurs suddenly or after a prolonged period of illness. When it is sudden many experience feelings of regret or unfinished business and wish they had more time to do or say certain things. Yet even when we have time to say goodbye to someone and they have time to put their affairs in order it still feels like a surprise when we finally lose them. One person explained it as, “Denial on my part, I suppose.”

There may be a sense of relief because a parent is no longer suffering, even in the midst of grief, as heartrendingly described by one person, “Losing my mom was like taking a bullet through my soul. But still not as hard as watching her suffer. I talk to her all the time.”

Some stated that they lost their sense of grounded-ness and connection following such an intense loss. When the parental relationship was less than ideal, however, there may be complicated emotions over what never was. As one wrote, “My mother was a wonderful person, and my best friend, and I miss her. I’ve seen some people suffer in a different way than me, though, when the parent was abusive or difficult. These adult kids never get what they were looking for all their lives from that parent, and then one day they have to come to terms with the fact that they never will.”

One person shared that they felt both gratitude and grief, even after much time had passed. “There is gratefulness for the life he lived and the amazing husband, father, and grandfather he was. And there is sorrow because my children… didn’t get nearly enough time to know this incredible man. There is fear that they won’t remember him or the happier moments… So now, we adjust. We pick up the pieces and look at them and see what the new picture looks like when they all get glued together.”

Another wrote that she had a delayed reaction to her father’s death but that she still find comfort in memories and in unexpected events that bring him to mind seem to be a sign. She said, “We miss him every day and see him everywhere. He let’s us know when he is around… and things I have never remembered I remember now at just the right moment.”

Just as each person’s relationship with their parents is unique, so are our experiences with grief. In closing, the words of this beautiful and heartfelt poem seemed a fitting tribute to the love between a parent and child. They were written by Beverly Bollman following the passing of her mother. It is called, “When Jesus Took Our Mother Home.”

Our mothers love was strong and fierce.
She loved her children with all her heart.

She fought to stay with us
But Jesus had other plans.

She fought her battle hard
She didn’t want to leave us.

As she made her journey
The veil between heaven and earth lifted

Jesus was making a place for her
As her time was drawing near.

We held her hand and kissed her head
Sending our love with her on her journey.

As peace and comfort rested upon her
Her journey was complete

What a joyous time in heaven
When Jesus took our mother Home

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Jennifer Roberts Bittner
Certified Celebrant/ Life Tribute Specialist

Morrissett Funeral and Cremation Service
6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234
(804) 275-7828

Letters to Mr. Goss

This is the story of how scores of students rallied in support of one of their former High School teachers because they wanted to show him just how much they appreciated the positive influence he had on their lives. Turns out it was just in time.

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During my Senior year of High School I had the privilege of being in Mr. Goss’s English class. He was one of those amazing teachers that got students excited about learning and about life, despite his occasionally crusty exterior. We appreciated his energy and passion and his unique view of the world. We loved the fact that he could teach with equal levels of earnestness the symbolism of not only Dante’s Inferno but also Dr. Seuss. In his class we examined the literary devices used in the book of Job, and had a spirited debate on how to define “Quality” after reading the book, “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” He encouraged us to think deeply and think differently, and despite his tendency to crack some truly corny jokes he was a gifted storyteller.

Mr. Goss left a lasting positive impression on me, despite the fact that my constant disorganization frustrated him. When I first started trying to write again, almost twenty years later, he was on my mind a lot. I wanted to reach out to him to say thank you and tell him that he had a huge influence on my writing style and self-confidence. Around that time a number of former classmates began to reconnect on social media and the name Mr. Goss came up often. He was described as, “My favorite teacher,” “The best thing to happen to English,” “My inspiration for becoming a writer/teacher,” and “The only person I felt I could talk to.” Many students stated that he made a huge difference in their lives, and that they still remembered the things he taught them. One student wrote, “He was just one of the coolest teachers I think I’ve ever known. Even when it wasn’t about English or Literature, he was teaching about so many things.” Another said, “We LOVED Mr. Goss!! Who else could discuss how important it is to have your glass of milk so cold it almost hurts? Or read Dr. Seuss’ ‘Are You My Mother?’ to you and put it on your senior English exam?”

All those kind words were said on social media, however. I wondered if Mr. Goss himself knew how important he was to all of us. I had also heard whispers that our former teacher may be ill. I wasn’t sure just HOW ill, nor was I sure if that information was supposed to be public knowledge. It increased the urgency of my desire to contact him, but I did not wish to invade his privacy. I waited a while, but the feeling of urgency and desperation kept growing inside me. What if he was REALLY sick? I was sure that those students who sang his praises on the internet would be devastated to learn that they could no longer tell the man himself what he meant to them. I decided that it would be an utter tragedy for Mr. Goss to die without the possibility of knowing how many students spoke so highly of him; without knowing that he had made such a difference. In general I think everyone deserves the chance to know that their efforts did indeed matter to someone. Everyone deserves to know that they had a positive impact on the world and helped make it a better place, yet far too often we stay silent and don’t speak up and tell people what they mean to us. I didn’t want that to happen in this case.

As Valentine’s Day approached I decided it was a good time to reach out to someone in an act of caring and that I should not wait any longer. I used an old-fashioned thing called the Phone Book and looked up the number for a “Raymond Goss.” I called it, hoping I had the right person. His wife answered and I introduced myself, saying that I was a former student who simply wished to say thank you. Her response was that he was very sick and resting. She went on to explain that he had cancer and even though they were trying to remain optimistic and he had been beating the odds his prognosis was not good.

Her confirmation of his illness gave me the opportunity for which I had been waiting. I frantically began to pray silently while trying to quell the rising emotion in my voice. With a catch in my throat I asked her for permission to share information about Mr. Goss’s situation, and explained that there were many students who would like to show their appreciation for their former teacher. I knew those students would be upset if they did not have a chance to do so. She agreed and gave me their mailing address, admitting that they did not go on the internet much and preferred to not get flooded with phone calls. She then allowed me to speak with her husband, gently reminding me that his strength was limited.

I wish I had a recording of that all too brief conversation. I was thrilled to discover that, even after almost 20 years, Mr. Goss remembered me. He was tired so I did most of the talking, and we discussed my writings and life experiences. I reminded him that when I was in High School, “I didn’t always do my best writing, but when I did…”, and he cut me off, stating simply, “It was REALLY GOOD!”

I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. He, who had read countless papers from countless students, remembered my writing. I thanked him for believing in me, and for being one of the first people to make me feel like a good writer. I also read to him some of the kind things that other students had written about him as they reminisced about High School, and he seemed surprised but happy. I said, “Hopefully you will be receiving letters from these students soon, so they can tell you themselves how much you mean to all of us!”

We then talked briefly about his illness, and he shared that he was doing his best to fight. “I am looking forward to the spring,” was one of the last things he said to me.

That day I made a post on social media about Mr. Goss’s illness and gave his address (again, with permission), asking former students to please consider sending him notes of encouragement. The response was immediate and overwhelming. Even though at the time we were still not sure just how sick he was, somehow the urgency of the request was understood. One person responded, “Mr. Goss was the most influential person, teacher, advice-giver, and friend at a time in my life when I needed someone the most. I am truly heartbroken that he is apparently so ill and I wish I would have known before now.” The information was shared repeatedly, former students rushed to their mailboxes, and by Valentine’s Day the cards began to arrive. Hundreds of them. So many students from so many years, several DECADES worth of students, wanted to reach out to the man they admired to say “thank you.” They strove to encourage him as he continued to fight for life. Many sent pictures, or whole albums of pictures, and even small gifts. His family later shared that he looked forward to the moment when he could ask his wife to check the daily mail, and that “Although his physical strength had left him, his mental strength was just as strong as ever and he LOVED reading the letters each day.” They said that the look of joy on his face as he opened the stack of mail, hearing stories from countless students that he taught over the years, brought happiness and comfort to all of them.

Mr. Goss did not get to see the spring. He died on March 1, 2010. Cards continued to arrive even after his death. A family member later wrote, “I can’t tell you how many letters he received, but I can tell you that I read letters all morning and was still unable to read through the complete stack.” My heart is warmed when I think of the outpouring of love for this great man, and I realize that what was intended as a simple “thank you” became so much more. It was an encouragement during his battle with illness, and a comfort during his final days. The family shared that the countless pieces of correspondence also provided solace for all of them during a sad and painful time, and “a light” in the midst of darkness. Those same letters now also serve as a tangible, lasting reminder for them of the legacy that Mr. Goss has left behind. His family will be able to read them and proudly remember the man that they love. Eight years later one of his grandsons actually wrote an homage to his grandfather in his Senior English portfolio and used the letters in his assignment.

All because a group of students cared enough to respond to their former teacher in his hour of need. It is incredible that such a kind man was able to receive words of thanks and encouragement from so many students before he passed away. The response was overwhelmingly beautiful.

I think of Mr. Goss every spring and it makes me wonder, who else in my life do I need to thank? So many people go through this life not knowing that they made a difference, and not knowing that they changed this world for good. It shouldn’t take an illness or crisis to spur us to reach out to someone in gratitude and support.

Mr. Goss was able to read and hear the words of people that cared about him before his time on this earth was ended. Yet far too often as I help officiate funerals I hear from bereaved individuals who voice regrets about the things they did not say while they had the chance. People are praised and celebrated after their death, yet we seem to forget to share positive affirmation with the people we care about while they are still with us.

Say the words while you have the chance. Encourage someone. Thank someone. Tell them you love and appreciate them. If someone had a positive influence on your life then tell them. Find a way to give something back to a person who deserves it. Even a simple “I appreciate you” or a helping hand in time of need could mean the world to someone. They may need you now more than you realize, and you never know when it might be too late.

This story is shared with the permission of the family of Raymond Goss.

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Jennifer Roberts Bittner
Certified Celebrant/ Life Tribute Specialist

Morrissett Funeral and Cremation Service
6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234
(804) 275-7828

When Grief is Complicated

Losing someone we love at the end of their life is an incredibly difficult and painful experience. When someone dies those closest to them are faced with a flurry of emotions and even logistics to sort through. But what if that grief was even MORE complicated by additional circumstances? What can survivors do to get through such an overwhelming time?

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There are many reasons why the process of grieving may have extra layers of emotion attached. Sometimes people experience a protracted battle with illness. There may come a point when they and their loved ones just wish for the suffering to be over. When that eventually happens the survivors often feel a sense of relief, and then sometimes feel guilty for such emotions. One individual who has had such an experience shared this reassurance: “It’s only natural to want someone you love to not suffer anymore. It doesn’t mean you love them any less. It actually means you love them so much that you care more about them than you do your own loss.” We can miss someone and also be glad that they are no longer in pain.

We may have had to watch our loved one slip away, little by little, from something like dementia. We can face grief over the loss of the person that they used to be long before they actually leave us. When the time does come it is possible to experience a fresh wave of grief. Some find that surprising because they might have thought that they had already grieved. Or they may be surprised that they feel nothing at all. No one should not feel guilty about what they do or do not feel. Each person’s feelings are their own and are valid and they don’t have to justify those emotions to anyone.

Some of us may find that grieving a person after they have died is complicated because sadness is not the only emotion we feel. Sometimes there is regret. Regret over things that were done or said, or regret over missed opportunities. Those can be difficult thoughts to face during an already difficult time. While those feelings are valid I have also come to realize that regret distorts reality. If we spend too long focusing on the negative or on what we did NOT have we may miss the positive. We may forget all the blessings. Perspective is a powerful thing. While we definitely need to address our regrets it is not healthy to dwell in them for too long. We can also recall all the happy moments and allow them to fill our hearts with gratitude.

We may feel angry at someone who has died. It is possible to love someone and mourn their loss while also being upset with them. At times we also might even find ourselves mourning the death of someone with whom we had a negative relationship. Whatever the cause, we may need to find a safe and appropriate way to work through or express that anger. Standing up at a podium in front of a crowd of people during a memorial service may not be the best time to discuss certain subjects, yet you might be surprised at how often it happens. It is possible to diplomatically acknowledge that relationships and people can be complicated and even difficult without going into too much detail. All of us and the stories we write with our lives are a mixture of dark and light, strengths and struggles. We don’t have to pretend someone was a saint in order to honor their life.

It can also be especially complicated when someone’s life ends as the result of choices that they made. Anger is just one of the countless emotions that survivors could experience along with shock, confusion, and despair. There are no easy answers to be found during the aftermath of a death by suicide or as the result of addiction. Some families find that talking about it is healing and helpful. It reduces the stigma associated with mental illness, and can help others with similar struggles.  It also can help to remember that, even if we do not understand why someone we love made the choices that they did, a life is not to be judged by the final page in the story. Instead we must look at the entirety, and remember that nothing can change all the positive things they accomplished and the beautiful moments they shared with the ones they love.

Ultimately the reason we grieve is because we love. It is a sign that someone was important to us and left an imprint on our lives.  Each person’s journey is their own, and whatever you feel there is no proper way to grieve or experience loss. Be kind to yourselves and others, and allow each other the time and space to heal in the way that is best for each of you. Talk about it. Support one another. What matters is that we navigate that path with love. Even when there are many other complicated emotions, always hold on to the love. Love is what will be remembered, and love is what can help us heal.

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Jennifer Roberts Bittner

Certified Celebrant/ Life Tribute Specialist

Morrissett Funeral and Cremation Service
6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234
(804) 275-7828

Grieve and be Happy

IF  there is one thing I have learned about the holiday season, it is this simple-truth: There is no perfect holiday! I need to admit that I am not the Christmas freak I used to be. Like you, when I was younger, Christmas possessed a magical quality. But aging is its own impractical joke. Just living can rob us of the energy required to be a kid again. My wife and I have often observed that having fun seems to require a lot more work! During the holidays every mall looks and smells the same and holiday traffic resembles a third world country! And while I’m on a roll, how many people do you know will give their spouse a Lexus or Mercedes as a Christmas gift the way the holiday car commercials suggest? And…Am I the only one cringing when I hear the song, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”?

Please understand that I am still drawn to those great Christmas movies like, “A Christmas Carol”, “It’s A Wonderful Life”, “White Christmas”, “Miracle on 34th Street”, “A Christmas Story”, “Christmas Vacation”, “Home Alone” (1&2 only) and “Elf”. Now, I realize that there is a very broad generational span between Jimmy Stewart and Will Farrell, but each movie represents a different season of my life. Those films take us to a better place and allow us to escape reality just long enough to laugh, cry or just fall asleep with something good on our brains.

The challenge that we face during the holidays is our unrealistic expectation. Every year I yearn to recapture the sentiment and fervency of the Christmas season only to realize that I have, in the words of the Righteous Brothers, “Lost that lovin’ feelin’.” And I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get it back.

That’s what grief does. It dulls the edge, creates shadows and dims the light. To those on the outside, grief is an irrational downer. Grief is real and normal, but is so misunderstood by so many.

   You might cringe at the sentimentalism of, “Oh, There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays…” because, at this moment, your home ino place for the holidays!  

If you have experienced the loss of someone to death, loss of a relationship, loss of a or a job, or even the loss of your health in this last year you may be grieving because the issue is the same for everyone…loss. And while others are wrapping gifts, shopping on line, heading to the mall or letting the velvet tones of holiday crooners like Bing Crosby to Michael Buble’ wash over them, you might cringe at the sentimentalism of “There’s No Place Like Home for The Holidays…” And, you change the radio station, because, at this Christmas … your home is no place for the holidays!

Want to know a second simple-truth? That’s O.K.

I once heard a great quote in one of my favorite (non-holiday) movies, “Rudy”. Young Rudy Ruettiger asks Father Cavanaugh if he has prayed enough to achieve his goal of being accepted at Notre Dame.

The wise priest replies, “We pray in our time, God answers in his time.” The reason why I find this quote so appropriate is because that’s how grief works. We want to end grief on our time when grief ends on its own time.

I encourage you to allow yourself to grieve. Don’t compare your grief with some else’s grief. And don’t be surprised when someone doesn’t understand why you should just “cheer up”, or that you “should be over it by now”. Your loss, your pain, your heart…doesn’t answer to them.

But, I have come to believe that the most effective way to be able to arrive on the other side of grief is to be free to grieve. Grieving is the mind’s way of coming to terms with our heart. It’s working out the pain of the loss of something irreplaceable to us, and because of that void, we find that we are vulnerable. When someone we love dies, grieving is our way of insuring that the one for whom we grieve will remain forever embedded in our hearts; that no one will ever be able to take that away from us. But I must share one last simple-truth:                                                                                                      It’s O.K. to be Happy!

I’ll say it again…It’s O.K. to experience happiness! No one will judge you for laughing. No one will criticize you for being with other people or holiday shopping. The one who has died will not feel you have betrayed them by allowing yourself to give and receive happiness. Your happiness doesn’t cheapen your grief, and it doesn’t dilute your love for the one you miss so much.

 So, grieve as you should…But don’t feel guilty for feeling joy this holiday season.

 

Greg

Greg Webber, Director
MFCS Community Care/Aftercare
Certified Celebrant

 

Morrissett Funeral and Cremation Service
6500 Iron Bridge Rd.
N. Chesterfield, VA 23234
Serving the Richmond area since 1870